There have been lots of things that have conspired against me to keep me away from seeing my family–some good, some bad, and some professional.  Still, I am looking forward to seeing everyone. It has been way too long.  Still, that is a poor excuse for not seeing one’s family.  I will do better.

Needless to say, this has been pretty disruptive on a variety of levels.  Those of you who know me well know how much of a creature of routine I am.  Having that routine disrupted can be good sometimes—girlfriends or significant others—and it can sometimes be bad—parents or in-laws.  In my case, my mother has been a disruptive presence. 

She has been helping out around the house, and I have tried to take care of those various things she needs to get done as she returns to a normal life.  These include running her around to various after-care sites, social service agencies, and other similar destinations.  Now that my travel is done—Boston for the Beanpot.  I may commit to spending some time on these other tasks. 

It is strange having someone else in the house.  I am really accustomed to coming home to an empty house for me.  Instead, I now have a guest.  Add to that the fact that I am now feeding two people, and I am shocked at how fast things that last much longer in my house are gone: milk, sugar, and some other items just to name a few.  Additionally, I had to change my phone plan to accommodate my mother’s need to make phone calls.  I am going to have to get my mother out of here quickly just so my food and telephone costs go down. 

The frustrating thing about this whole situation is how everyone on my mother’s side of the family defaulted to me.  No one else “stepped up to the plate,” and I have to admit to being incredibly angry about the current state of affairs.  Everyone sees fit to bother me on the day of her release or to call here for her, but I will be damned if they are going to help me in this situation.  Instead, I get the disruption of effectively caring for a parent in my home when I had no intention to do such at this point in my life.  I may sound as though I am being selfish, but I really value my time.  Having to spend my personal time playing the way-station for my family is not how I want to spend my time. 

At the end of the day, I need to do what is in my and my mother’s interest to get her back to independent living.  At the same time, I need to do it as fast as I can to be able to function both personally and professionally. 

Just before Christmas, my nephew–my 16-year-old nephew–told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.  On Christmas Day, when both of them were with me for my journey out to Carroll County see my mother’s side of the family, they told me they were about a month along.  Furthermore, they have only shared this information with a select group of people.  Neither my nephew’s foster mother nor his girlfriend’s parents were told of this turn of events.

Needless to say, I gave both of them the appropriate stern talk.  I told them that whatever they choose, their lives are irrevocably changed.  I told them what their choices were, and I told them that time is of the essence depending on the choices they made.  I also told them that they should decide what their course of action was going to be before informing her parents, thinking that if they come to the parents with a firm decision, it was going to be a bit more palatable than, say, coming to them with no thought to the choices before them.  I ended by saying the choice is theirs, and, that, whatever they decide to do, their family will support and love them.  I told my nephew I was disappointed in the choice he made, but I was certainly not going to disown him for it.

When last I spoke to him after New Year’s Day, they had still not made a decision.  Nothing much had changed beyond our discussion on Christmas Day.  I again reminded him that time was of the essence.

While at work on Monday afternoon, after returning to my desk following a meeting, I was met with an instant message from my nephew asking me if I had talked to his social worker today.  I replied that no, I had not as I was in a meeting and left my personal cell phone at my desk.  I looked at my phone, and I saw there was a voicemail waiting for me.  I asked my nephew what was up, and he replied that he could no longer live with his foster mother.  I told him I would discuss the matter with his social worker, but I had yet another meeting to run to for the end of the day.

I spoke with his social worker, and she apprised me of the situation.  My nephew and his foster mother were at an impasse, and the best situation was for him to be placed somewhere else.  (For some background, my nephew has complained of his foster mother, but most of his complaints sounded to me as the typical teenage angst, if you will.  Nothing terribly bad, but the typical teenage “I know everything” line of thinking.) Again, as in the not too distant past, I was asked if he could be placed with me.  I explained to the social worker that I just could not do so.  It’s a decision I have pondered off and on through the last few years, and something I have discussed with close friends.  At the end, though, I just do not think it was fair to him or I if we chose that course.  Given the current situation, I offered to her that he could stay with me while she worked to place him in a new foster home.  She could perform her walkthrough to check my home, and I would pick him up when I was told I could do so.

When I got home from the office late on Monday night, I engaged in another long instant message session with my nephew.  He was understandably upset, and he wanted to be with a “real family.”  He wanted to be with a relative or a family friend, and he did not want to go back to another foster home.  He threatened to “take matters into his own hands” and run away.  I countered that given the choices before him, he could choose to make things worse or try to make the best of a bad situation.  We went back and forth, with him not seeing the issue from my perspective.  We ended at that, as I was tired from spending a long day at the office and he could do nothing more to persuade me.

So, yesterday, the walkthrough was completed with no issue whatsoever, and I picked up my nephew that evening and gathered his things. I swung by the grocery store on the way home to get some food and to see if he needed anything else.  We talked about what has happened.  His girlfriend’s parents now know of her pregnancy, and they will not allow an abortion as it is against their beliefs. I asked him what he thought about that, and I asked him does he realize how much his life is going to change.  He said he does, and that the new child will have to take priority.  He realizes that he could have made a better choice, but the dice have been cast.  As he said, “I made my bed, now I have to sleep in it.”  In some sense, wisdom beyond his years.

Now, I am at the end of the first of two days where I am working from home while he stays here.  I have been making sure he is fed and clean, and he seems to be happy.  He especially seems to enjoy gobbling up the bandwidth at the house.

While I feel bad that I cannot be the shelter that my nephew so dearly wants, I truly think it is best.  I really cannot say I know how he feels.  I do not, nor will I ever.  I can only imagine what it feels like from his perspective, to think that no one really cares about him to make the committment to be his shelter.  At the same time, I know that I am not ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a teenager.

Here I am, a tortured soul of sorts.  On one hand, I am providing shelter and encouragement.  I am being that place where my nephew can get refuge from the storms that have battered him of late.  On the other hand, I know I can only be a port of sorts where he can spend a few days.

It is this conflict that led me to say to someone the other day,

“Sometimes, I wish I never did return to Baltimore following college.  I should have just kept going elsewhere. I would not have surprised my friends or family by making such a choice.”

I came back to Baltimore to be close to family–my grandparents and my mother.  Well, now, my grandparents are both gone, and my mother is still in Virginia.  Yet, here I am.  I realize of course that much has changed in the last ten years to make such a move a serious undertaking.  I have different reasons to remain anchored here–I own a home, and I have a good career.  Times like this, though, are trying.

In light of the situation, I am doing the best I can.  I am not normally an optimist, but I know that some good will come out of this somehow.

The finality of it all truly set in when a friend of the family was playing “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes as my grandfather’s casket was taken from the church.  I was reminded how just five years ago–separated by a week, actually–the same piper and song was played as my grandmother’s casket was taken from the church.  It was then that I realized he was gone.

For the rest of the holiday weekend, my family and I celebrated the holidays and my grandfather’s memory.  We all shared stories and memories, reveling in the time we had with him.  In our own individual way, we were making peace with our loss.  And that includes me.

To my friends who reached out to me personally with phone calls, emails, and cards, I thank you.  I can truly say that if I am rich in anything, it is good friends.

With that, I end this entry with the official obituary that made the rounds in the local media.

OCEAN PINES — William Joseph Thomas, 79, died Saturday, Nov. 22, 2008, at Atlantic General Hospital in Berlin.

Born in Pittsburgh, he was the son of the late Stanley Thomas and Rose Marie “Anna” Matesich Thomas. He was preceded in death by his wife, Elizabeth Anne O’Brien Thomas.

Mr. Thomas was a US Navy veteran, retiring after 24 years of service having achieved the rank of QMC. He served in both Korea and Vietnam. After retiring from the Navy, he went on to open Thomas Construction, which he owned and operated for 25 years.

He was a member of St. John Neumann Catholic Church, a former Grand Knight and District Deputy Navigator with Knights of Columbus, and a member of Boggs-Disharoon American Legion 153.

He is survived by two sons, Timothy Charles Thomas of Ocean Pines and Patrick Joseph Thomas of Ocean City; one brother, Jack C. Thomas and his wife, Dorie, of Arizona; two sisters, Rose Marie Thomas of Pittsburgh and Millie Mehilick of Nevada; three grandchildren, Jason, Nicole and Patrick Jr.; four great-grandchildren; one brother-in-law, Jerry O’Brien and his wife, Janet; several nieces and nephews.

A Mass of Christian burial was Wednesday at St. John Neumann Catholic Church in Ocean Pines. Interment will be private.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to St. John Neumann Catholic Church, 11211 Beauchamp Road, Ocean Pines, Md. 21811 or to the American Cancer Society, c/o Gerri Harrison, 337 Winter Quarters Drive, Pocomoke City, Md. 21851.

Arrangements are by Burbage Funeral Home in Berlin.

He and my grandmother played a vital role in where I am today.  Those of you who are close to me know how much I cared for them.  They helped me with college and graduate school, and they were the stability that I needed during that time when other members of my family were losing their way.  My grandparents, in a sense, lived vicariously through me while I was in college.  They went to my freshmen orientation.  They drove me to and from Boston at the beginning and end of the school year.  They even visited me when I was in Oxford, England.  They helped me many times through the years and as a young adult.  In effect, my grandparents were my surrogate parents.  Regardless of where I go in life, I will be forever repaying the enormous debt I owe them.

It is with a heavy heart that I mourn his loss, yet at the same time I know he is in a better place.  While I am by no means religious–something that both he and my grandmother would not want to hear–I do know that wherever he may be he is reunited with my grandmother.  While his passing is quite untimely, I know that he will no longer suffer through the tortured agony that would have played out in the coming months.  While deeply saddened, I know that it would have been extremely painful to watch.  To paraphrase Dickens, I know it is a far better rest that he goes to now.

I will cherish the fond memories of the great man that was my grandfather.  I will miss the memory of him reading the newspaper in the morning while drinking his coffee.  I will miss looking at the paper and seeing the crossword almost done.  I will miss seeing him sitting in his recliner watching television. I will miss calling him “Pop-Pop” from my much younger years.

I will miss him greatly, but at the same time I cannot anguish over his loss.  Thus, I will celebrate his life.  I raised a glass last night in his honor, surrounded by friends.  I cannot think of a better way to remember him–being with the people who care about me and, in some cases, know my grandfather.

So long, Pop-Pop.

The last year has been an interesting one, to be sure. I decided to hop on one of the horses of the job merry-go-round. Admittedly, this was out-of-sorts for anyone who knows me and how much I tend to crave order. Let’s face it: I tend to be risk-averse and do not change overnight. Yet, here I was job-hopping like it was going out of style. I have to admit that I really like where I have landed now. As I have said, it has been keeping me busy. Nonetheless, I enjoy being busy in this way–learning new things, being part of a team, and making valuable contributions. Although the adage is a tad overused, out of chaos comes order.

Personally, the year has been full of change. I am still dealing with my mother and all of her issues. On one level, I am taking a very long view of the situation. At the end of the day, my mother needs to come around and focus on the things that will better her situation, and she needs to do this for herself. I am talking with her again, and I am getting the impression that she has made this realization. I take this with a grain of salt, considering I have heard this all the time with my sister through the years. Still, I miss having my mother a bit more available to me. I tend to be quite private, but I miss having my mother around to discuss those things that only a mother and son can share. It’s a long road ahead, though, and time will tell.

My nephew continues to move along, and he is doing quite well considering what was arrayed against him at an early age. I am proud of what he has done thus far, but I sometimes feel bad that I cannot do more. It is frustrating at times talking to him because I can see my sister coming through in some of the things he says or in some of the ways he acts. Even with those moments, I know he has a good head on his shoulders. Each year, there is some way he makes me proud, and I am lucky enough to have him as my nephew.

There have been some scares in the family, too. I am worried about both of my living grandparents, and sometimes I catch myself thinking about losing them. Both have had cancer scares, but my grandmother seems to be out of the woods for the time being. My grandfather, on the other hand, is still going through his treatments. I worry about him the most, though. As I said before, I was not terribly surprised when I learned of his diagnosis. The old man is doing alright, but I worry about him more than I would ever admit to him.

On other personal fronts, I find myself lamenting the passage of friendship, of sorts. I am more lamenting the “falling out of touch” with folks in the past year. I am mostly to blame for this, as it is so easy to pick up a phone, drop an email, or drop an instant message to someone. Still, it is so hard to keep up with folks. I am somewhat angry that I have not done a better job of staying in touch with childhood friends, and I find myself making it harder to stay in touch with those people. The same thing goes for my college friends, especially as they start families of their own. At times, my refrigerator has looked like a maternity ward with the photos of various newborn children.  I am happy for them, but my Christmas cards this year overflow with photos of children.  There are other people who I have fell out of touch with, and I lament that as well.  So, with all this falling out of touch, I am going to do my best to get back in touch with these folks.

This year has had its share of ups and downs on the relationship front, but I cannot say that the downs were truly that.  Things are going well on this front, and I am enjoying it.  I don’t know where it is going to take me, but I can at least enjoy the ride for now.   It’s been a good one.

Enough blathering on in some sort of self-referential pity party.  Time to enjoy the holidays, get in touch with friends and family, and get ready for the New Year.

As usual, the holidays are upon me much too quickly.  I still have to pick up some things for some family, but fortunately the amount of shopping I have to do is pretty minimal.  Although I had purchased my Christmas cards in advance, they were still mailed out late.  Apologies if for some reason I overlooked you in my usual list of Christmas cards. 

Add to this usual feverish pace for the holidays the amount of late night work I have had to get done, and that has compounded my ability to get things done.  Every night for the last two weeks I have worked late.  I am certainly not complaining, as I am really happy to be busy at work.  Still, working all day in the cube farm and then coming home to work again is pretty draining.  With the coming holiday, most folks will be away from the office.  Something tells me the feverish pace may let up slightly for the coming week. 

With all of this in mind, I need to do the following things tomorrow:

• Call my grandfather and let him know when I will be down on Saturday;
• Call my nephew and his foster parent to take care of the plans for Christmas Day;
• Rebuild the laptop for the nephew;
• Go through all of the rest of my mail and Christmas cards;
• Take care of my last minute shopping. 

All will get done, and this weekend should be somewhat relaxing since I will be at my grandfather’s.  That should be some welcome rest. 

I am unsure of the prognosis, though, given that it is a bit hard to get details out of my grandfather.  I am kind of scared to ask him just because I am a little scared of broaching the subject with him.  Nonetheless, he did mention that the treatment is wearing him out.  Unlike Thanksgivings past, my grandfather did not have nearly as much food as usual.  He admitted that he did not have his usual appetite. 

I have been doing some thinking about what to do for him, and I got to thinking about a conversation we had about potential Christmas gifts.  Many years ago, when I was a young lad, my grandfather took me to my first (and at the time) only football game.  It was a Colts game at Memorial Stadium, and my grandfather, father, and I went to the game.  I do not remember who the Colts played, and I remember the weather not being great. 

Well, after last Christmas, I asked my grandfather if he would mind if I were to get him tickets to a game would he go.  It is hard to get the old man over to the Western Shore these days, but he said he would go to a game.  Thus, my quest is on.  I want to get him to a game this year, so I need to figure out which one of the ticket resellers I want to deal with for the last 3 games.  I am thinking it is only appropriate to target the Colts game, but I might try for another game. 

Whatever the price, it will be worth it. 

He is in pretty good spirits considering.  He is scheduled to begin chemotherapy on 16 November.  His radiation treatments are taking a small toll on him, as he complained to me about being tired. 

It was good to see the old man and wish him Happy Birthday in person.