I worked from home yesterday, as I attended a custody hearing concerning my nephew at the Juvenile Justice Center downtown. It was good to see him, as I had not seen him since last spring when he was taken from my mother’s care. Of course, my mother and sister were unable to make it as they had “transportation issues.” Now, both of them knew well in advance when this hearing was, and they should have been able to plan this. Instead, they waited until the last minute. I received a text message from my mother asking me to help her get a rental car to make the trip at 5 PM on Sunday. How many rental agencies are open at 5 PM on Super Bowl Sunday? I demurred from assisting, and I worked with my cousin on trying to help. That did not work, and both of them did not make yesterday’s hearing.
The bottom line is that if my sister wanted reunification to occur, she would take the steps necessary. What occurred yesterday is proof that she is not completely into reunification with my nephew. My nephew’s father, however, has shown he is ready to take the steps needed. He was there yesterday, and I admit I have never thought highly of him–spending time in prison and being an addict have a way of unimpressing me. Nonetheless, here he was with certificates from a parenting class he completed, working at a job and inquiring about getting assistance for housing with room for my nephew, and with a prominently displayed NA medal (16 months clean). I hate to admit it, but he is doing everything right, while my sister (and mother by proxy) are doing everything wrong. He is working hard to prove that he can be a parent and that he has taken the steps to make his life better.
It was good seeing my nephew, though. He has grown, as he is almost as tall as me (which is not saying much). He looks a lot like my sister, and he has certain characteristics that are just like her. It was good to catch up, and I can tell that he wants to be done with spending time in a foster home. He misses regular contact with friends and family, and I can tell that has effected him.
One of the things that I started was to get a way for my family to see him. I discussed this with his social worker, and there is a means to get him to see his family. This is good news for everyone who has asked me about him.
All in all, yesterday was not as worrisome as I thought it would be. My mother continues to prove to me that she has not quite hit bottom, and as a result she has not made the decisions she needs to do to improve her lot. Until she does that, I think she is doomed to continue the existence she has made for herself. I am continuing to keep her at arm’s length, though. I cannot take the phone call, as it is more of the same–she cries, she complains about wanting to move back to Baltimore, and she misses my nephew. At the end of the day, she needs to fix these things herself. I just hope she comes to this realization before it is truly too late.
Wow, that is great news about your nephew’s dad. It’s GOT to make the boy feel good that somebody cares enough to take some steps for him. I feel like it’s almost better that a male figure wants him; somehow it seems particularly pure, considering that females are “supposed” to have more talent in that arena (if you would listen to conventional wisdom, anyway). I hope you are really successful in getting the visitation for your nephew and his circle. I think he really needs the attention. I can’t think of anything lonelier than being in foster limbo. I’m glad he has you in his corner, JJ. I don’t know if you want to be a dad someday, but I think you will be a good one.
That’s a funny remark: “…be a dad someday…” There’s a few key ingredients one needs to make that happen. Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t think I deserve it.
Hey man I read some of your past blogs about your mom. My mom & dad divorced about 4 years ago and my mom was a housewife so she doesn’t have any confidence in getting a job outside of cleaning houses (no benefits and it’s all self-employed stuff). I can definitely relate. I’m a Christian so this is really tough to know where to draw the line between love and being a crutch for her. I would hate to see her end up on the street. It is so hard, seeing your own mother resort to such apathy and passivity in living her life.
jeromy: The key is to not do it for as long as I did. In looking back at things, I did this for about 10 years. Even more if you consider what I did back in college (something I am still paying for and regret ever doing). Nonetheless, there comes a point where someone gets all the help you can, but that person needs to look within.
It is somewhat callous and cold, but sometimes you just need to come to a realization that the person you love is not the same person. It’s kind of tough love, and I am sure my Mom is annoyed by my actions. At the same time, I know that at some point she will realize I did the right thing.